Abuse is Always Wrong
Labor Day weekend is finally here. For many of us, this marks the end of long, hot summer, with school, work, and cooler weather just over the horizon.
Our first annual Enough is Enough campaign to raise awareness about Clergy Sexual Abuse was a success (thanks to many of you!), and I'll be sharing some of your reflections about it as they become available.
As I glanced through the blog stats this morning, I noticed an unusual search term for this blog:
when a church abuses a pastor's familyOf course our readers know that most of the people who find comfort and support here have suffered from abuse at the hands of a pastor or spiritual leader.
Nevertheless, this concept-in-reverse got me thinking.
Sadly, I do know that the reality of congregants abusing their pastor is real (and highly destructive), having several close friends who are pastors/wives myself. I've listened to their stories as they've described impossible expectations, undeserved criticism, and complaints that range from petty to hostile; most of which are without basis or the root issues are so trivial, that they're hardly worth raising an issue over.
At The Hope of Survivors we speak in depth about the damage that a corrupt pastor can cause, but we also know that most pastors are good people; faithful and true to God's word and His standard for caring for people.
Abuse is always wrong. And abusing others in Church, whether the victim is a vulnerable congregant seeking out a trusted counselor, or the Pastor himself, is a violation of every commandment that Jesus came to teach us.
One guiding principle that I come back to time and again, especially when faced with a challenge in the scope of any social realm is this:
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.This verse speaks to our awareness that God is watching over everything we do and say, and each thought that entertain. Our treatment of others, both to their face and behind their back, is always before the watchful eyes of God, and we will be called into account for our every interaction.
Proverbs 9:10
Certainly a pastor should know this, which is why we hold them to such a high standard. But let us also remember our responsibility to respect others and fear the Lord, even when we don't possess a leadership title or a formally recognized mantle of authority.
Thankfully, no matter who we are, or what the source of our deepest hurts may be, God is our refuge and strength, and is more than able to restore and heal our every wound.
We hope that you all had a restful and healing summer, and remember, if you need help or support please contact us.
More updates coming soon!
Posted by AnnetteA at 9/3/2011 11:03 AM 
Categories: THOS
Tags: pastoral sexual abuse pastor clergy affair counselor
Categories: THOS
Tags: pastoral sexual abuse pastor clergy affair counselor
Being a pastor can be a difficult job, particularly when demands are placed on him, his wife, and his children to be above others in their holiness. As a result, I tended to work at making my pastor, his wife, and children feel welcomed and a part of the church family. However, due to my codependent tendencies, I went a bit overboard, feeling it was my responsibility as codependents do. I believe the abuse I experienced by my pastor was due in part, to this tendency. I felt it was my job to make my pastor feel important, special, and build him up in what I believed was encouragement; telling him how much he helped me, what I thought were his strengths. Looking back, I realize it was his responsibility to discourage me, but instead he encouraged me. There needs to be a healthy balance in loving, supporting, and encouraging our pastors without developing a dependency on man, who will fail us, and sometimes using us for self-satisfaction.
Regarding a pastor feeling abused by the congregation, it is difficult for me today, to feel sympathetic because of my experience of being abused by my pastor. Also, my pastor and his family believe the church abused them in forcing him to resign after having a sexual relationship with me, a wounded sheep he was called to protect. They were extremely angry after the elders asked him to step down and the majority of the congregation agreed. So, while pastors have been taken advantage of and treated poorly by the church they shepherd, because of my experience, it’s hard to sympathize, at this time. I will never take on the responsibility of making my pastor feel important; I need to learn how to properly encourage, support, and love a pastor, because there is great fear found there.
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Thanks for your honesty, MJ, I appreciate it and understand.
Your former pastor may say that he feels "abused" by you, but hopefully there will be a day when he can face his situation with honesty, and take the proper responsibility before both God and men.
Being held accountable for one's actions is not abuse.
God bless you, MJ!
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When my 'pastor' went before the congregation to say he had an 'affair,' he said he became too busy, working 60 hours a week which is another lie out of many. For four months of our relationship, he met me in too many places to count, sent me text messages, emails, and called me on the phone. Often times, he would text me from home at 3:00 or 4:00 in the afternoon and he was watching TV or a movie. He told me his wife didn't love him the way he needed, that she neglected him, was cold toward him, and spent more time with their dog than him. He did not commit adultery because he was overworked. After he was asked to step down (which he should have done willingly), he and his family said they were wronged. It is mind boggling.
On a positive note, the encouragement my husband and I are currently finding is in the current church we attend. We've been going for a little over a year. We have not been going because we feel like it but are going totally out of obedience to God. We have been slow to connect and are ultra-sensitive to arrogant pastors. We have found a humble pastor in our current church, quite refreshing! We are still hesitant but believe we are in a safe place, one with policies in place to keep abuse from happening. Hopefully, this will be the church Marty and I can learn how to love, support, and encourage the leadership without fear of being used.
There is hope for every survivor of clergy abuse as I have found through THOS. Keep hope alive!
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I knew a pastor with a wife and two children (not the one who abused me) who threw most of his time and energy into church, the congregation and the community neglect his family. His wife ended up leaving him for someone else who was more attentive to her and they divorced. The leadership committee asked him to resign, which he refused. Eventually, the bishop suspended him for three years and then reinstated him in another church after that. He has since remarried a lady pastor. He was the best pastor I ever had and miss his sermons and how he treated everyone. Never once did I feel that his attention to me or my family was wrong. He was and is a wonderful man of God.
Sometimes it is the result of selfish leadership whose expectations of how the pastor should spend their time which goes too far and leaves little time for them to maintain their own family life. Sometimes, it is the fault of the pastor who decided himself(or herself)that they need to do all, be all and so neglect their spouses and family.
Pointing fingers doesn't help. Speaking truth does. Sometimes, if speaking up doesn't help then I'm afraid that some pastor's and their families need to move on and make it clear in their next assignment that their family life is important and that there must be time allowed that they can maintain their relationship. Also, if unrealistic expectations or unfound criticism is spoken against them; this also needs to be brought out in the open. It's only when things are brought out into the open and not kept hidden, spoken in murmurs, and silenced that evil has the opportunity to destroy people's lives and hurt others.
I have yet to see anything that has been brought out into the open that has yet to be resolved in some form or another. Sometimes, it does mean that there will be pain and consequences, but eventually things usually work out for good in the end. Even if it means that someone has to move on or as in the case of my previous pastor who lost his wife, children and was suspended for three years. Eventually, something good came out of it for him. He did get remarried to another pastor (they pastor together) and was reinstated.
It is often a lack of communication that allows things to fester and eventually blow up. Such as the case, that I never spoke up until too late that the pastor from my last church was subtly sexually harassing and pursuing me behind the scenes. Just like MJ's previous pastor who was making an excuse, the pastor who abused me is still in that church denying that he did anything wrong. In fact, I am the scapegoat. Just recently, I listened to one of his sermon's online where he said that he wouldn't do something so unseemly as to be unfaithful to his wife. Well, if he wasn't unfaithful to his wife with anyone else (which I believe he was), the only reason he wasn't unfaithful in my case is because I was busy ducking, ignoring, avoiding, turning my back on him and practically running away from him.
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Lol, my abuser would be the first to complain of being abused - he is the typical little man - with the "little man syndrome" and even wears heels to give himself an extra inch or so!
He also suffers from P.L.O.M. (poor little old me)
When he is not ruling the roost and people are not boosting his ego and being his "yes men/women" then he is likely to come down with a good dose of P.L.O.M. - hence having spat the dummy on FOUR (4) Churches....
I have been having a really tough time the past week in particular, depressed, and even contemplating suicide. But in searching the net on Sabbath I came across the song that Sherri Easter has recorded - "Praise His Name". It is not a particularly melodic piece but the words were like balm to my soul, and I shall surely Praise His Name when my troubles are huge.
My son has aspergers - a problem I have endured for some 30+ years, and a problem that was not tolerated by my abusive pastor. But this year we have had the problem officially diagnosed and a lot of the puzzle has simply fallen into place. What were weird quirks are now completely understandable in light of the diagnosis. I love my son dearly and I thank the Lord that this light of clarity has been shone on one of our problems.. but as usual when the devil gets his foot in the door, he doesn't rest at just one or two problems, and I have a host of challenges for the Lord to intervene. I just feel like I am floundering right now! I don't even seem to be able to make much sense on the keyboard either... please pray that I find the right counsellor this week as I feel I am losing the battle right now.
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Thank you for sharing your struggle, and also about the encouragement from the song you mentioned. When I struggle I often find encouragement the same way, or through some of my favorite Bible verses (many which are found in Psalms), confident (though at times this is tough) that the Lord is fully aware of my burdens and struggles and wants to help me through them.
You are not alone. And I will be praying for you.
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Judy, I also find peace and comfort in songs and music. It is very similiar to when some read bible passages like the psalms, especially when the words to the music is from the bible. I am most happy when I am singing in the worship team at church songs in practice and during worship time.
I pray that you continue to seek peace, comfort and wisdom in God's Word whether it be through reading His Word, listening to songs, or playing your keyboard. Keep reaching out to others who have been where you are and search for a Christian counselor who is a certified counselor in your state(preferably another woman). Typically, you can tell at the first few appts. whether they will be the right counselor for you.
I am considering starting a sexual abuse support group (whether it be from a pastor, employer, family member or some other professional)in my area. You might consider starting one or searching for one in your area. Most newspapers will advertise support group meetings for free and churches and some libraries often have private rooms for meetings that will allow groups to meet at no charge. I know from my own experience that others who have suffered from the same thing understand your feelings, typically don't judge you and can help you through difficult times. I also know that when I am focused on helping others, that it helps with my healing as well.
Dealing with members of your family with aspergers is a huge challenge(I know b/c I have a close family member who suffers from a high functioning form of aspergers with extreme social issues), especially when going through CSM and other difficulties. When the person who should be giving you encouragement and support is abusing you, this makes the challenges at home more difficult b/c often they get put on the back burner during this time of abuse and things just pile up until they have reached an urgent or emergency status and have to be addressed.
Now that you know your son is diagnosed with aspergers, this helps you understand some of the common behaviors associated with aspergers and hopefully you have been directed to possible treatment and strategies to deal with addressing some of these behaviors/issues in the future. I am sure that you received loads of information about this diagnosis and hopefully were directed to websites and organizations that may help with giving support and information about aspergers. There are also support groups for people diagnosed with this and their families as well.
Don't despair, the battle is already won no matter what is going on around us and the difficulties in life. The Lord is always with us and He never leaves us orphaned and alone. He also gives us each other. Sometimes men and women may fail us, but then there are times that we can be the hands and feet of God to each other in that moment when needed most. Blessings of peace and comfort to you and your family as you seek out Godly help and support through this difficult time.
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Thank you Lynn and Annette.
Unfortunately Lynn I no longer enjoy music like I used to. I was the song leader and soloist in our Church, but due to the association of the music with my abuser I just don't burst into song any more.
Earlier this year I requested re-baptism with a different Pastor at his church, and I have sung (solo) there. I had a surreal sense of peace during the solo and felt so relaxed and comfortable during it, even though the sound tech couldn't get the backing track started. It was almost like being in the arms of Jesus while I was waiting, no anxiety no nerves. Perhaps Jesus was telling me that He will carry me through ....
I am very thankful that I have found a Pastor who I feel comfortable with. He and his wife I have known over 20 years and are aware of what I have endured during that time. They are warmly encouraging me to attend regularly and to sing more. I have had a host of medical problems over the past 12 months, but I have not been defeated by them, just delayed.
I am thankful that I found T.H.O.S., I know I am not alone in my situation, and I know that Jesus understands my circumstances. Yet, knowing all this I am still unable to ask my Heavenly Father for myself in prayer.... I feel deeply stained and unworthy of His love, and yet deep down I do know He loves me, He shows me continually. I look forward to having a healthy prayer relationship with Him in the not too distant future.
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Judy, I certainly understand the feeling of not enjoying music the same way before. For over a year, I did not sing anywhere. Not at home, not in the car, not at church, no where. I didn't sing with a worship team for close to four years we were at our old church before I finally picked up singing again at our new church. My abuser was part of the worship team at our old church and I wanted to distance myself as much as possible from him as I could, so I never joined. Then eventually, I became distrusting of pretty much anything at church (pastor, other people, music, sermons, missions and ministry). I even started blaming God for not protecting me and my daughter. I also did not trust Him anymore(The Lord definitely didn't deserve this, was just how I felt). Eventually, through a Christian counselor I worked through many of these issues and am continuing to work on some that remain.
Just starting to go to another church was difficult. I pretty much forced myself to go. I started singing again in baby steps. First I started singing at home and in the car and then later I started singing in the congregation again. When I first went to the worship practice at our new church, I told them I was just going to sing with them in practice and when they felt comfortable and I felt comfortable that I could fill in when someone was out. Well, that came quicker than I knew, because a few singers dropped out and they needed someone sooner than expected. Now I have been singing with our worship team every other week for the past several months. I guess at first you could say that I was just kind of going through the motion of worship, but eventually I started feeling again some of the same joy for music that I use to have (though it still feels forced and I am less confident). The peace and comfort has also come back that I feel when I am singing in worship, though I still feel very uncertain and nervous around people who come up to me before and after service. Building relationships with others has been very difficult since my ability to trust people is still an obstacle. I am going to join one of the women's small group studies soon to work on that.
I also understand the feeling of not being able to ask the Lord for yourself in prayer. It is much easier to ask for others, but when it comes down to myself I find that my prayer life is very short, sometimes rote and not the deep healthy prayer life that I use to have. I am addressing this the same way I addressed going back to church and singing. I pray, even though I don't feel like it and I am not sure that I am connecting. I give thanks and praise God no matter how I feel. I try hard to obey even if I don't want to. My hope is that eventually my obediance will turn to a real joy and desire again to live out my life with the faith that has always sustained me in my relationship with the Lord in the past. I pray that the joy of music and a healthy prayer relationship will return to you soon as well.
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Very well stated, Lynn. In forcing myself to attend church and a bible study, even though I don't feel like it, is helping me through the healing process. Joy is coming, in baby steps, and God is blessing my obedience. Being a person who typically runs from pain, I am finding peace, contentment, and joy in facing the pain. Although I am not ready to join a worship team (which I was a part of for 25 years), joy in worship is coming to me.
God understands the pain inflicted upon us by self-appointed pastors and He will not let us fall by the wayside. No one can heal this broken heart of ours, but God alone, and He is fully able and willing to do so. I do not want to run away from Him, but will run to Him even though it's difficult right now. His promises never fail!
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Dear Judy:
I felt your pain when I read your story. The one thing that I value more than anything on earth is my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I also have health problems, and I was abused by my pastor. However, i cried out to God for forgiveness and deliverance and He faithfully rescued me out of that horrible pit. THOS also saved my life, because I contemplated killing myself from the weight of the shame. But a counselor replied to my email; my cry for help. I feel so blessed that someone was on the other end of my email. I just want to encourage you to continue to let God help you. He is so loving and faithful. He remembers that we are mere dust and we are subject to fall and fail at times, but He never changes how he feels about us. Don't be ashamed. Let God love and restore you; not in the eyes of people but in His eyes, what he created you to be. We should know that when he looks at us, he looks with love in His eyes. He forgives us, now we have to allow ourselves to forgive ourselves and go on in Jesus' name. God bless you Judy. You are not alone.
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