It's Complicated: Grief, Friendship and Pastoral Sexual Abuse
Several years ago I led a Bible study/support group on the topic of grief. The group consisted of a number of women spanning a wide range of ages and stages of life. The source of their grief came from a variety causes, including widowhood, divorce, and estrangement from family; there was even one woman who was watching a beloved family member die from a malignant brain tumor. All shared a mutual bond of deep sorrow and pain, and a commitment to face the reality of their journey.
I learned a lot from meeting with these women week after week. One thing we found in common was that we each had friends who were uncomfortable with the burden of our grief—and in their relative discomfort they’d assume we quickly get over our issues and move on too. These friends of ours wanted us back, and they wanted things to be the way they were before the loss.
One meeting brought a visitor to our group. This woman, whom I knew well and adored (and still do), became frustrated during the course of our group sharing time. She lashed out in an impatient tirade about the futility of spending time coddling each other in our sorrow. Needless to say, the group was rather stunned by her lack of understanding and wanted my assurance that our safe haven would resume the following week, sans the visitor.
Later on that evening my visitor friend called me to apologize for her outburst at group that morning. She expressed an awareness that her impatient rant did more damage than good and shared how the topic we were discussing made her recall issues in her own past that she'd been avoiding. She shared with me that she now felt challenged to find her own sense of peace, rather than lash out at others who were searching for the healing that had eluded her. I was touched by both her apology and her courage for admitting such a thing.
So what does this have to do with pastoral sexual abuse?
Victims of pastoral sexual abuse experience a deep and multi-layered sense of loss that must be grieved. Grieving is never a quick process, in fact it ebbs and flows for a very long time. The type of grief associated with pastoral sexual abuse is complicated and relatively unsupported by society, making the process that much more difficult. The realm of loss is also complex, involving every component of a victim’s life, from external safety in terms of trust, to a traumatic physical and spiritual violation.
To this I say, take heart. When this happens in my life, I reflect on what I know about the one who exemplified perfect compassion, confrontation of issues, and an ultimate model of friendship—Jesus; the one who reached beyond Himself to empathize with the suffering of those around Him, including those individuals who’s suffering represented some of the most controversial issues of any religious society.
Putting these things in the proper context has helped me enormously. And I’m grateful for those of you, and others I’ve known, who are able to share this journey…
*Note—Grieving is only one aspect of healing from pastoral sexual abuse. For more info on this subject, please visit Healing on our main website page at The Hope of Survivors.
If you need help or support, please contact us.
Categories: Annette's Posts
Tags: pastoral sexual abuse clergy misconduct affair pastor rape grief
These are very interesting thoughts on the complexities of clergy sexual abuse and the healing process, in particular. Just this week I received an email from a friend who was concerned about me because she believes I am still angry with my pastor. The reason she believes I am angry is because I’ve been posting information from The Hope of Survivors on my face book page, trying to share the truth of it being abuse, not an affair. She encouraged me to forgive him in order for me to move forward and receive God’s blessings, didn’t want to see me stuck in unforgiveness. Then she proceeded to comment that she misses the way things used to be, misses the ‘fellowship’ we all shared, and is sad that many people left the church we attended. It’s only been one year since God rescued me from my pastor’s abusive control. I am still angry due to the destruction of what he has done and him never repenting. What I found that hurts me are when people say they miss the way it was and are sad that people left; it makes me feel I was responsible, although I know I am not. It hurts when people don’t understand it is abuse, making the healing process more difficult. It hurts when people don’t understand the betrayal my husband experienced. And what dumbfounds me to the most extreme level is when people said they would like for all of us to be back together as one happy family. Very few people made that comment but it is incomprehensible to me to even imagine that scenario. Few people told me they don’t know who or what to believe after hearing both sides, which hurt very much. Finally, someone said they wish they could sit down with us all together, and hear both sides but that it would take a miracle to do that. A miracle? I don’t believe God wants us sitting down together to hash out the details so people can decide who to believe. Of course, these things are said out of ignorance, yet they hurt deeply.
While this lack of knowledge about clergy sexual abuse doesn’t help the healing process, hope certainly lies in our God. I constantly remind myself to consider what He thinks about all this. Almost daily, I remind myself that God knows the truth, no matter what anyone else may think. When men don’t understand this type of abuse and our pain, God does. We have The Rock and The Protector to shield us against all adversity and lies. We can find rest in Him alone. That remains my hope!
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Thanks for sharing this, MJ.
Not only can I personally relate to all of what you say, but these are also excellent examples of classic denial and bargaining--both of which are symptoms of grief. And grief does not necessary resolve on its own (one can live and die in the state of denial, without ever facing reality).
At times I think that, ironically enough, the primary victim of abuse is fortunate in the sense that she (or he) cannot really stay in denial about the issue of abuse. Sooner or later, the spiritual/mental/physical damage screams "deal with me", and she/he is forced to face the violation. Whereas her/his peers may not be faced with the same level of tangible damage, which may in turn hinder their ability to grasp and confront the core issues within the abusive church society (and they are usually many).
Sadly, the peer response which you describe in your comment, adds another layer of pain and burdens the primary victim with even more issues to deal with.
I suspect that this denial happens so frequently in church communities because facing the blatant spiritual violation of sexual abuse by a spiritual leader confronts the general sense of safety within church, and challenges the illusion of control for everyone--which is why these peers are all, in fact, secondary victims of the abuse..
Facing and working through these issues is not easy. But it is the right thing to do. God will honor it with healing for each person. This is the reason that The Hope of Survivors exists--to confront, face, and heal the damage of pastoral sexual abuse, for ALL victims.
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Annette, you stated, “At times I think that, ironically enough, the primary victim of abuse is fortunate in the sense that she (or he) cannot really stay in denial about the issue of abuse. Sooner or later, the spiritual/mental/physical damage screams "deal with me", and she/he is forced to face the violation. Whereas her/his peers may not be faced with the same level of tangible damage, which may in turn hinder their ability to grasp and confront the core issues within the abusive church society (and they are usually many).”
Annette, this has been my experience and observation in my situation. My husband and I believed we would be able to keep the ‘affair’ a secret. However, there were days I was unable to do anything but cry and would physically writhe in pain. I felt my spirit, mind, and body scream ‘deal with me’ just as you mentioned. It became impossible for me to keep it a secret. At the same time, my husband began realizing God’s desire for honesty and knew the elders would want this news given to them. Ultimately, our decision to take this to the elders was due to my inability to keep it hidden because of the compulsion my body was telling me along with my husband’s realization that God wants the truth known while leaving the consequences in His hands. While the shame of going public was a big concern, it was nothing compared to the pain of keeping this secret. Facing the truth has been one of the biggest components of my healing.
On the other hand, you mentioned peers of the victim not facing the same level of damage therefore living in denial of the abuse. This has also been my observation. There is pain, but not to the degree of crying out to deal with it appropriately. If people believe the ‘affair’ is just an affair and not abuse, the truth is not realized and healing is halted. In my conversation with my friend, it was futile trying to convince her our pastor abused me and I needed to cease from trying. All I can do is state the truth and pray that God will open her mind and heart to the truth of pastoral sexual abuse. I will continue to find rest in the truth God revealed to me and praise him for the healing He has done and will continue to do as He reveals Himself to me more and more. I thank Him continually for rescuing me from the abuse of my pastor and for compelling my husband and me to take this to the elders. Healing is found in admitting the truth.
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MJ First of all I would like to say sorry on behave of the ones that didnt believe you. I was once there. becuase I couldnt deal with the situation this was some one who I had looked up to and adored as a father and when things came out about my pastor I wouldnt let myself think those things because it felt if i believed it my whole world would shATTER until one day the lord allowed me to begin to deal with everything that happen and begin to really show me what I didnt want to see about this person and i begin to deal with the trauma of whAT PART I PLAYED INTO THE LIES AND DECIT AND IT BROUGHT ME TO REPENTANCE FIRST ASKING GOD TO FORGIVE ME AND THEN ASKING THE PEOPLE I HAD TURN MY BACK ON THE TRUE VICTIMS TO FORGIVE ME FOR NOT BEING THERE. i FOUND OUT IN THIS THAT IT WILL TAKE EACH OTHER TO MAKE IT THROUGH THIS HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE AND THAT I ALSO NEED HEALING FROM THIS TRAUMATIC EXPERIENCE THAT HAS TURN LIVES UPSIDE DOWN.
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Tyler, Thank you for your encouragement and I am sorry for the abuse you also experienced. Today at church, the message talked about hope in God, no matter what the circumstances. At times, we feel alone in our experience, but there is someone, somewhere, who knows the pain we are feeling. The Hope of Survivors is such a place for many women who were taken advantage of while in a vulnerable and naive state. Hope is found in God, who alone can heal the heartbreak of this deep betrayal. We can encourage each other to stand strong, to seek God for healing, and to know we are not alone in this. Unfortunately, there are countless lives damaged by clergy, but nothing is too difficult for God! We will survive!
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