Pastoral Sexual Abuse: What Can the Husband Do?
“If you are her partner, you may initially feel angry with her and betrayed by her. Educate yourself about the dynamics of pastoral abuse. Remember that her moral agency and choices were compromised by a person she trusted. Remember that although you are in pain, you are not the victim; she is. Find someone to talk to about your pain, but don’t take it out on her.” ~ Rev. Marie Fortune (Excerpt from the book Victim to Survivor, Nancy W. Poling.)
Pastoral sexual abuse can happen to anyone, given the right opportunity and set of circumstances. The key is to remember that this is a very specific abuse of power and is not about sex. Most women, who are victimized by a predator pastor, would never have given him access to her life, had he not been her pastor—and so closely connected (perceived) to God.
Nevertheless, the destructive power of this abuse works its way through everyone in close proximity to the victim (as well as the perpetrator).
If you are married to someone who’s been sexually and spiritually victimized by a pastor, you will feel a tremendous betrayal. This is a normal and understandable response.
What can you do?
1. Recognize that God has ordained you to be the spiritual leader.
2. Ask God for strength and wisdom
3. Understand that you hold the keys to helping your wife see Christ in you.
4. Don’t let the pastor destroy you or your marriage. Don’t give him that power!
This is a time for you, as the husband, to stand for your wife’s honor and reputation.
To read more about the role of a husband, please go here.
If you are hurting and need help, please contact us. We offer free, confidential counseling for victims (and husbands) of abuse, and have people ready to help who've been where right where you are.
Categories: Pastoral Sexual Abuse
Tags: pastoral sexual abuse clergy misconduct affair rape pastor
After leaving the church of my abuser, my husband and I searched for another church where we felt safe. We visited several churches and eventually we found one that we decided to attend regularly. They have been a blessing and a place of refuge to us even though they don't know our history. I still struggle worrying about how they might feel about me if and when they find out what happened, but my counselor told me to just focus on healing and restoring my relationship to the Lord right now. When the time comes, I will cross that bridge with the help and guidance of the Holy Spirit.
I still feel panicky when men try to greet me with hugs, but I have been pretty adamant about sticking my hand out to shake hands with men who approach me. This may seem formal and unfriendly, but I try to counteract this with a friendly attitude and a warm smile. I do believe that it is best to not be so casual in our affection with the opposite sex. There are times that we need to give a comforting hug or give hugs when something joyful has happened, so I know that all hugs are not off limits. BUT we should be careful with casual physical touching between the opposite sex in most situations and not tempt our brother or sister to fall.
When this situation came to light and we left the church, my adult children also left the church but no longer attended church with us as they have always done. They have been going to separate churches. This makes me feel very sad that this scattered our family. They did come for Easter service at the new church we are attending and that was wonderful to have us all worshiping together once again. It may be that God has other plans for our children that in so scattering us, that they will be able to spread their wings and follow their own path that God has laid out for them.
Easter reminds us of the hope we have, the restoration and forgiveness that was perfected for us in the sacrifice of our Lord Jesus Christ who paid the price for our sin, conquered death, ascended to heaven, and is coming again. Hope for a future that is no longer marred by sin and death, but life everlasting. Praise God for all He has done for us. May we continue to turn away from sin and respond to this gift given in love by serving God in a way that He deserves that will honor and bring glory to Him. Amen.
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Lynn,
Thanks for sharing all of this. I also can relate to so much of what you say here. The feelings of having a secret in your new church, being leery of people--especially Christian men, etc. I do like the way your counselor encouraged you to focus on the healing. I have found that trust comes with time and by giving others a chance (eventually).
It seems remarkable to me that your adult children are attending church, even if it is apart from you for now. I see their ability to maintain some level of faith as a very positive thing.
Please keep sharing,
Annette
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