"The impact of being abused at the hands of someone you trust so completely, who then uses that trust to hurt you, is life-long and manifests itself in ways you don’t always recognize. It is a deep, deep pain." ~ Sandy

Long Awaited Hope

By Sandy Kirkham

I am a victim of pastoral sexual misconduct. In 1972, at 16 years of age, I was sexually abused by my youth minister in my home. He was 30 years old, married, with two children. At the time of the abuse, I was very active in the church and I was growing in my faith.

After years of suppressing what had happened to me, I concluded, after counseling, much prayer, and my study of Matthew 18:5-17, that in order to be healed, among other things, I needed to confront my abuser and hold him accountable for what he did to me and forgive him, which I did in October, 2004.

To be clear, I do not believe forgiveness means condoning behavior or that there are no consequences to behavior. And while I believe in God’s forgiveness, I do not believe these men should be given the opportunity to repeat their behavior and return to their congregational ministry.

Most victims of pastoral abuse suffer spiritually after this kind of experience. Our view of the church becomes distorted. We no longer trust the church to be a safe and loving place. Even now, no matter what church I attend, I am not comfortable. While I still have faith in God, I have no spiritual connection to the church. The church has been contaminated for me by what he did to me. I could no longer embrace my faith the way I once did.

The impact of being abused at the hands of someone you trust so completely, who then uses that trust to hurt you, is life-long and manifests itself in ways you don’t always recognize. It is a deep, deep pain. Because of his abuse, I no longer will allow myself to be alone with a minister again. I no longer pray out loud for fear someone will see me as weak, vulnerable and easy prey. My children have never had a bedtime prayer with their mother.

I didn’t believe that my faith would ever be the same again. And then I found The Hope of Survivors Ministry. After speaking with Samantha Nelson on the telephone, and through her many correspondences with me, I found a friend. I found someone who cared and understood. This ministry is exactly as they describe—a ministry of compassion, support, hope and encouragement.

I also felt the presence of Christ through this ministry. For the first time in 29 years, I began to believe in the possibility that I might be able to trust again and my faith could be restored.