The Pastor's Family Suffers Too
At The Hope of Survivors our hearts go out to all who suffer the devastating effects of pastoral sexual abuse. It’s not much of a stretch for us to imagine that those people closest to the perpetrator suffer tremendous pain also.
Here’s an excellent bit from THOS website about this topic:
MINISTRY TO THE CLERGY OFFENDER’S FAMILY
Derek and Ann Legg, family therapists who deal with offending clergy, state that, “The family of the clergy person who has been a sexual offender is truly a primary victim of his or her betrayal. The spouse has suffered a betrayal of the marriage vows, a betrayal of trust in an intimate partner, loss of reputation, loss of role in their church and community, and sometimes even loss of faith in God. If there are children, they suffer the loss of a secure family and faithful parents, loss of reputation, and possible loss of their school and friends. Parents and siblings of the offending person may suffer humiliation, grief, loss of reputation and friends”.
There are several common themes that run through the families of offending clergy.
Betrayal
The breach of trust that occurs through infidelity brings with it a sense of heartbreaking betrayal. It does not matter whether the object of the violation was male or female, young or old. The relationship has been betrayed. The health and recovery of the marital relationship of the offender and spouse is not often an ongoing concern of the church they have been serving.
Loss of Status and Role
Though the spouse of offending clergy is “not guilty”, they often are included in the censure. In a sense, both were called to the church. They have lived and served in the fishbowl together. Now the spouse is without a place to be. There is no one to share the anger, hurt, humiliation, pain, and fear. “Who am I now without this place in life?”
Economic Issues
Many times there are no severance packages for those guilty of sexual misconduct. The loss of monthly income, often the loss of church owned housing, are frightening realities. Even when food and support is delivered by members of the church, pride and shame must be swallowed with every contact. “How will we make it? What will we do?”
Illness
Depression often occurs in the spouse in the aftermath of sexual misconduct on the part of the clergy. Emotional stress is capable of bringing on many forms of serious mental and physical illness.
Blame
Often blame is charged to the spouse for not having fulfilled the needs of the clergy spouse. Somehow they are guilty of having failed to prevent whatever sexual misconduct occurred. It is simply hard for some churches and members to fault their spiritual leadership.
Repercussions For The Family
The children of offending clergy are hit hard. Their trust levels have been destroyed. They must deal with the anger that comes from humiliation and change. In smaller towns, “everyone knows what happened”. Often it means new schools, new friends, new sports teams, etc. The security of family has been destroyed and they are afraid.
Churches must be made aware of all these needs and many more for the family of offending clergy. Love, nurture, counseling, support are just a few of the things they need. How will a church, who itself has been wounded, care for the family of the clergy caught in sexual misconduct?
The original article can be found here.
If you are suffering, please contact us, we want to help you.
Categories: Pastoral Sexual Abuse
Tags: clergy sexual abuse pastor affair betrayal family suffering
It’s difficult for a pastor’s family to heal when he did not accept responsibility for his betrayal against the church body, the victim, or her family. It’s difficult to heal when they are unwilling to face the truth of his actions, refusing to place responsibility on him where it is rightfully due. It’s difficult to heal when they are angry at the church for asking him to step down from his position.
My pastor T did not accept responsibility for his betrayal against the church body or against my husband, our children, or me. His wife L told me I was a threat, the moment she heard my voice, which leads me to believe this is a pattern with him. His wife told me she knew we were going to fall into sin but didn’t tell anyone because she didn’t want him to get into trouble. After it became public, they went into damage control mode. They went to many people, including my best friends, to rally support and said I came on to him and had other affairs, both of which are lies. The day he went before the church to ‘step down’ his children led in worship; they stood behind him while he spoke. He said he is forgiven, he met Jesus, and called L up as Jesus. L said she forgave him, forgave me, and said T is a good man, a good husband, a good father, and a good pastor. T said the elders asked him to step down then left the meeting to attend a birthday party, which was for his daughter in a room downstairs; his oldest son stayed to take notes. A fight broke out that started by a couple who happened to have the constitution that stated the pastor is supposed to step down willingly. Finally, most of the congregation supported the elders’ decision, which caused T, L, and their children to become angry toward those who agreed with the elders, saying David didn’t stop being a king after his adultery. T and L said they went for counseling but the counselor said they were fine and didn’t know why they were even there. The youth group was told that the family was totally healed and restored. Financially, T was given 6 months severance pay, which he manipulated as the church could not afford that amount but did so to take the high road. It’s not easy helping a family who is denying the truth and are angry toward the church. Several women tried reaching out to L but she shut them out. They remained in contact with only a few who believe he should not have been told to step down.
My sadness for the family lies not so much in them losing a job or reputation, but in the misery they will endure until they face the truth and he confesses, repents, and seeks forgiveness. The truth, as painful as it is, is necessary for healing. Until the truth is faced, God will not bless or restore. God desires honesty, confession, repentance, and forgiveness before restoration can begin. If these steps are taken, then help will be accepted and the things that were lost will be restored because God always blesses obedience.
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I completely agree. And I say this with so much empathy for those who are faced with the crisis of what someone else has done.
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