One Survivor’s Story

I ended the relationship with the pastor in December 2006 because I couldn’t take it anymore. I had no idea what I had been involved in; I just knew for some time—a year or two, in fact—it was not right. Something about it—even beyond the sexual impropriety—was very wrong. But, I couldn’t find my way out.

When I told my husband Greg the whole truth in early February about the pastor and me, he blurted out, “this has been hostage taking”.  Even to this day, he will tell you he had no idea why he said that, given his long involvement as a “friend” of the pastor’s. But, at some level of his psyche, we would soon learn he was exactly right on. After I disclosed in February, the pastor continued to blame and shame me for leaving him, as evidenced in emails to Greg (we still have) where he describes in great detail his love for his relationship with me, asking literally, “How could she abandon me after all I did for her?”

I drew close to the pastor over the three-and-one-half years he spent incorporating me into his life as minister of the church. When we first met, I was in a position of leadership there and was contemplating seminary or some kind of “spiritual vocation”.

Over time, he sensed my desire to grow further spiritually, and so the relationship was coined a “spiritual friendship”. It was a very large affirmation I had been seeking for many years. I liked/appreciated the attention and the sort of “notoriety” that came with having a spiritual mentor. Many of my women friends were lightheartedly envious that I had a male I could relate to, as most of us were experiencing similar midlife crises issues in our lives that involved our seemingly non responsive husbands, etc.

The pastor learned early on I was raised with a “God’s going to punish you” kind of theology and, over time, he introduced me to a God who was all about love (and only later would justify becoming sexual as a means to experience such love). I had grown up with strict parents who endorsed a rather punitive view of God all the while we were a very active, churchgoing family. There was physical abuse in the house and, therefore, obedience to certain kinds of authority was apparent. The pastor spent a lot of time getting to know the dynamics between me and my mother and father and the struggles that were present, especially around my tendency to speak up and out on matters and being punished physically when I used it to question authority, i.e., my father had no problem using the strap on me when I disobeyed.

Likewise, the pastor learned more and more about my arid marital/home life at the time and found ways to make himself a good listener and attentive person—the exact complaints I had about Greg during this period. He also knew, by getting to know Greg that Greg struggled with some self-esteem issues at that time. The pastor picked up the slack in this regard and was highly attentive to new clothes I bought, creative ways I was tending to the youth group, supporting me in my return to college, and counseling me on some possible career changes.

His befriending of Greg, appointing him Chair of Trustees, inviting him to go fishing; all of this tightened the web of trust and love. He would learn more and more about me, even more than mentioned above.

The pastor waited for the time when we were to attend a conference away together when he made his first sexual move. He even gave me a butterfly pin after it happened, and connected it to its resurrection symbolism. The next morning, I woke up in my own room bewildered, frightened, yet still with deep feelings for him. When I confronted him, he suggested we read Psalm 139 and pray together. I hoped things wouldn’t happen anymore. Two weeks later, when I confronted the behavior and said I would have no more of it, the pastor told me that when I get him, I get all of him. And so, out of fear and shame, I stayed longer than I ever should have. Eventually, I had enough and disclosed to my husband and to my current pastor, as the abusive pastor had retired by then.

The Church had a response team but it provided very little in terms of helping me understand exactly what happened to me and to us as a couple. I felt desperate! I turned to the Internet to see if I could find something that would help us grasp this horrible nightmare. A Google search led me to The Hope of Survivors website. I couldn't’t believe what I had found!

It has been two years since I “emerged”.  I recall some difficult processes with the Church governing body that I felt were questionable, but had no one to turn to locally who would be able to relate. When I reached out to The Hope of Survivors, their advice and counsel proved to be accurate and validating of our intuition, which was tremendously uplifting and helped us move forward with our case.

I believe the United Methodist Church could learn much on how to support victims/survivors by seeing The Hope of Survivors in action. The Hope of Survivors created a healing environment where Greg and I could thrive. I give thanks for their tremendous empathy, respect, and genuineness, as well as their groundedness in the faith, that helped us survive, and now thrive!

* All names have been changed to protect their privacy.