Phenessa’s Story

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all.” ~ Psalms 34:18, 19

Hurt, confused, lost and utterly cast down are key emotions among many that I felt when I endured the most heinous, diabolical experience imaginable–clergy sexual abuse. My history of abuse from the tender age of three seemed to pale in comparison to this recent experience. It is rather difficult to recover from sexual abuse in the first place, but when your soul is raped, the wounds and scars are deeper than a bottomless pit.

The manifestation of abuse began in the fall of 2002 when after a church service he said he needed to talk to me. We went to his office and he closed the door. He proceeded to tell me that God told him because I have been so abused by men that I do not know how to be treated by a real man and God told him that he was to show me how to be treated, how to experience true ‘godly’ love, and that he was deeply in love with me. My heart began to race and initially I felt strange and uncomfortable. When I expressed my uneasy feelings, he explained that it was normal for me to feel uncomfortable because I was unfamiliar with how love is supposed to feel. The following days he began to visit my house sometimes at night, brought me a rose and some money since he knew I was struggling financially. He told me that I didn’t have to worry about anything because he would take care of me then he grabbed my face and kissed me. That’s how it all started and with each encounter it became more advances until ultimately he told me that he could ease my fear of sex and make it enjoyable for the first time in my life. I had been sexually abused many times and one rape resulted in my having a baby.

I was so depressed and exhausted. I had very little sleep in the five months we were there. I prayed for God to deliver me, but I took matters into my own hands to stop the pain I was feeling. I took two bottles of pills and woke up three days later in ICU. The nurse said I flat-lined and they revived me but I know that it was God who preserved my life. My mother flew to take care of me and my daughter. He came to visit me and told me that this happened before with another woman; that if we got married he would cheat on me in thirteen years like he did his current wife; and that nothing was wrong with me but I just have bad taste in men. I was on a respirator so I could not talk but strangely I felt torn—I wanted him to leave and I didn’t want him to leave at the same time. When I was released from the hospital and decided to end this mess, he called me and I told him that I never wanted to talk or see him again. He said that I was rejecting him and God’s calling and that I needed to wait for him. I cursed, screamed, rebuked him and hung up. When he called back my mother answered the phone and told him that if he ever called me again, she was going to tell Bishop what happened. To cover himself, he moved his wife and three children two weeks after I was released from the hospital.

I was blessed by the ministry, The Hope of Survivors, which educated me on the terrible ordeal that I experienced. Through that ministry, my current professional counselor, and the support of my family and friends, I am recovering through this healing process. I have totally repented of my sins and apologized to those who I have hurt, especially his wife and the Bishop. Although as of yet, he is on sabbatical and the church has not offered any assistance to me, I know that God’s Hand is upon me and I walk in abundant supernatural favor. I have learned valuable lessons to last me a lifetime and I have joy in the midst of my adverse circumstances.

This joy that I have, the world didn’t give it and the world can’t take it away. The ministry God placed in me is still there. The world will hear my testimony and many will be saved. No longer will I be a voice crying in the wilderness. No longer will I remain silent. I embrace the truth from this lesson about God, myself and putting my trust in fallible man. Now, it is in God I trust and my inner voice is strengthened. God gets all the glory and praise! My weeping endured for many nights, but God’s joy has awakened me and showed me what love is and who I am in Jesus Christ. Thank you, Lord, for being close to my broken heart, saving my crushed spirit, and delivering me from my troubles!