In Their Own Words: Will Attending Church Always Be Painful For Me?
"A church should be a safe and secure place where the wounded can heal. That safety, security, and healing place was ripped away from me and my family. My husband and I would be content if we never attended church again. We know God wants us to be in a part of the local body but maybe it's still too fresh. I also want to consider my husband's feelings here more than my own because the betrayal he experienced is greater than mine in that he didn't have a choice in my decision and his pastor stole something of great value from him. Therefore, connecting to a church is the hardest obstacle we are currently facing" ~ Mary Jo (shared with her permission)
I often think about those who can’t make it back into church; those for whom church is a painful reminder of the very worst that life has to offer. For most victims of pastoral sexual abuse (and this includes the victim’s family members) a reentry into church can take years, if it happens at all. The following question is a common one:
"After what I’ve been through, is it possible to ever have a good relationship with the church?"
THOS Founder and pastoral sexual abuse survivor, Samantha Nelson, responds:
"It’s natural to be wary of church and religion, as well as professed Christians in general, after all that you’ve gone through. However, by God’s grace, you will one day be able to enjoy the fellowship of other believers in a church settin
g. We are blessed to be able to do so because of the Lord’s healing power and transformation in our lives. We know that Jesus is no respecter of persons, so we trust He will do the same for you as He heals you.
More importantly than having a “successful” church relationship though, is having an abiding relationship with Jesus Christ. As that relationship grows stronger and stronger, the actions, words and those around you will have less detrimental impact on you and you’ll be able to keep your eyes solely fixed on the Lord. He alone is our Example. When we look to others, we are sure to be disappointed, no matter who they are or what church they attend.
My prayer is that the Lord would restore health to you in every area of your life and enable you to be part of the church once more so you can be with like-minded believers and be blessed by their fellowship."
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Photo courtesy of Simon Howden
Categories: Questions and Answers
Tags: pastoral sexual abuse clergy sexual abuse church abuse sexual misconduct
It has been so difficult for me and my husband to reconnect to a local church body after our pastor betrayed us. Truths that are helping us to be able to attend a service are the following, some of which we’ve learned from THOS. First, we must separate church from God. The church is made up of people, sinful, fallen men (and women). We cannot blame God when people in the church hurt us. Unfortunately, the church is not an exact representation of Jesus, although it should be working its way toward that goal. God wants us connected to a church body therefore, by separating Him from the men in the church it is helping us view church in a more realistic light. Second, as stated by Samantha Nelson, God does not show partiality. She and her husband found a place of worship, and that gives us great hope! Third and most important is another truth stated by Samantha. Our relationship with Jesus is of the utmost importance, more so than having a ‘successful’ church relationship. As our relationship with Jesus becomes stronger, people will have less an impact on us. Fixing our eyes on Jesus makes everything else fade. This truth has caused us to seek God and read His word more, and to depend on man less. As a result of what we are learning from THOS, my husband and I are working toward reconnecting to a local body of Christ, albeit with much caution, prayer, wisdom, and discernment.
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Why should I live?
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I understand your question and your feelings. You need to know that there is hope. Even when it doesn't seem like it and you cannot imagine the possibility of it. The Lord is faithful to help those of us who cry out to him in pain and despair. He will help you. He helped me, and I thought I was I beyond help and far beyond hope. There truly will be a brighter day than the one you're in right now.
Please read this link: http://www.thehopeofsurvivors.com/are_you_suicidal.asp
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Dear Concertus,
Please contact me at
wendy@thehopeofsurvivors.org
I am here to help you.
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