What's Your Response When You Hear a Story?
As I was sitting here writing out this post, I kept reaching for more chocolate—which made me realize that the content was too disturbing, even to me. Though I’d still like to address the issue I intended, I’ve changed my approach a bit and decided against posting a list of actual responses, so as not to upset anyone’s potential trigger issues, my own included.
I’ve been thinking about the perspective of the one who hears that Pastor So-And-So was caught having an affair—and it’s not too difficult for me to construct an outside point of view, since I’ve heard just about every nasty comment out there.
Many judgments about the person on the other end of the so called affair can be summed up with the statement: it was a choice, and we all make choices—an assumption which fails to distinguish the person as a victim of abuse.
While a part of me knows that somewhere in this simplistic statement lies an absolute truth, it really doesn’t touch the overwhelming and confusing cycle that the victim’s been caught up in.
And for anyone to attempt to boil down another’s experience using simple logic only demonstrates a failure to grasp the ambivalent nature of all types of abuse.
Despite assumptions, if the framework for the affair scenario contains a mix of illogical spirituality, an over emphasis on submission to authority, a twisting of Christian doctrine, and a carefully constructed amount of being set up (groomed), the concept of simple choice fails to apply.
Every pastoral abuse survivor has their own story, yet most are eerily the same: A victim gives an undue amount of trust to a pastor because he is a pastor—a man with dedicated focus and a direct connection to God. Many times the trust given is disproportionate to every other human relationship in the victim’s life, and directly relative to her/his faith.
All victims of pastoral sexual abuse regret, in hindsight, having given so much of themselves away. And every victim struggles with a tremendous degree of guilt and shame. No one need point out, remind, or worry about defining a sense of wrong—it’s there.
What we really need is an outside community of people who understand the context of pastoral sexual abuse; those willing to approach the issue in a healing manner. When healthy, strong, and compassionate people reach out to a pastoral abuse victim, a bridge is built. The abuse victim can finally begin to rejoin life without a continual need to explain or avoid. And this, my friends, is healing for all.
What do you think—In your journey have you met people who've helped you rejoin life? Or maybe you've learned how to be that person for someone else? Tell us about it. We want to hear your story.
Categories: Annette's Posts
Tags: pastoral sexual abuse pastor affair counseling clergy misconduct
After my husband and I decided to go public with our pastor’s betrayal, God began blessing beyond our imaginations. Our faith is built on confession, repentance, forgiveness, and restoration, which is why we went to the elders. After I confessed my sin to God, my husband, my children, and my friends, God began making all things new. They rallied behind me by forgiving, loving, and supporting me. They realized the role of a leader; they realized the responsibility of a pastor; they realized I was pursued, used, and abused. My friends have helped tremendously in the healing process through their love, forgiveness, support, and acceptance. My friends know me, they know the act I committed is not me, it does not define me, and they know I was manipulated. There is great healing in their love. Because of their love and support, I have been able to rejoin life with joy, peace, and contentment. While I have a large support system, my husband has been there the most. He never said a negative word to me or about me. Although we were in the process of a legal separation at the time I told him of the abuse, God took us down a better road than before, one we never expected. My husband’s love helped me be able to find a job and work. His love helped get me off anti-anxiety and anti-depressants. Our marriage has never been better; our love for each other is deeper than it was on our wedding day and we are fully committed to each other, until death parts us. He loves me with the love of Christ. He is my completion, my missing puzzle piece. He is my best friend. The irony of this mess is that my husband says I have been his biggest help in his healing process. Only God can do that. I hurt my husband deeply and I have been his source of healing. What was the most healing is when my husband apologized to me for not loving me or protecting me that led me to break our wedding vows. While I don’t allow him to accept any responsibility in what happened, him saying he was sorry and asking me to forgive HIM was probably the most humbling and selfless act he has shown throughout our marriage. My husband’s love has brought much healing and more quickly than I thought. While I believe God would have brought healing without my husband (because He is the Healer of our broken hearts), I am so thankful God used him because our love is stronger and deeper than ever. Our theme song is, “Still the One” and a favorite line is, “Glad we didn’t listen, look at what we would me missing….” Only God can take a horrible situation and make it better than before! I am able to rejoin life because of the loving, forgiving, and supportive people God blessed me with.
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