The Language of Pastoral Sexual Abuse
As Church communities are just now coming to terms with the issues surrounding childhood sexual abuse, an understanding of sexual abuse against adults lags somewhat behind. Most often it’s assumed that sex between adults, in the absence of physical force, means that the sex was consensual. In fact, where there's an imbalance in power there can be no meaningful consent. And when religion and spirituality are added to the mix, the power shift becomes magnified exponentially.
It’s critical to recognize how pastoral sexual abuse happens and to address the trauma in a manner that will validate the victims’ experience, not only to prevent further damage, but to ultimately bring about justice and facilitate healing.
The pastoral sexual abuse victim is in dire need of a vocabulary that speaks accurately to the experience.
Words are very important here. The word “affair” implies mutual consent and is not appropriate. This issue must always be viewed as a violation of a sacred trust and Holy responsibility.
Abuse of power, grooming, and exploitation are important words here, as are shame and manipulation. These words help build the foundation for the necessary questions which need to be explored by all parties involved—the victim, the perpetrator, and the larger church body.
With the proper vocabulary in place, hope and healing can begin, and the pastoral sexual abuse victim can begin her journey forward, as a survivor.
For more about vocabulary and definitions, please go here.
Categories: Pastoral Sexual Abuse
Tags: pastoral sexual abuse clergy sexual abuse clergy sexual misconduct grooming abuse or power professio
THOS has been a good source of continued healing, it has opened my eyes more to the responsibility a pastor has in taking care of the flock God placed in his care. A pastor who is married or has a relationship with a woman who is married did not simply fall, by impulse, unwillingly. The majority of cases involve a period of grooming, therefore causing the victim to believe she wanted the relationship to occur. What was most revealing to me is the truth that I would never have had feelings for my pastor had he not been a leader, in a position of authority. I wanted his attention. I wanted to be special to him, only because he represented a fatherly figure. He wasn't older than me, but he still held a postion of authority and was supposed to be the caretaker of the church. Never was I physically attracted to him, even during our physical relationship, it was completely emotional. How did I get that emotionally attached? I was groomed, so much so, that I believed our relationship was consensual.
Thank you, yet again, THOS, for speaking the truth! Of course, I repented for my part and suffered as a result of my actions. But, God will deal much more harshly with men who claim to be called by God to protect their flock, instead, pursue, use, and abuse God's children.
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I hear you, MJ. The lack of physical attraction you describe is a part of what sets clergy sexual abuse apart from what others may describe as an affair. I'm not sure many outsiders "get" this part of it. Many observers assume its an issue of lust or a lack of self control.
The violation is physical, emotional, but at the core its, spiritual--which explains the enormous degree of trauma and damage involved.
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Annette, the women who experienced pastoral abuse know it is not about lust or lack of self-control. I never touched or kissed another man in 28 years of marriage and again, became so emotionally connected to my pastor because he intentionally set me up. I am not the first woman my pastor kissed while he was married. He told me of several instances and although he did not say so, I believe there were more but he didn't get caught. Most people I shared my story with believe I am not the first woman he pursued nor will I be the last. That's the pattern for men in leadership positions who are in that role for power, not because they were called by God. That is what outsiders do not understand. It is not about lust or lack of self-control and I pray the church understands this truth.
The Kingdom of God is being hindered by self-appointed pastors who are in that position, not because they were called by God, but because of the power they desire. The trauma a woman experiences when used by her shepherd is enormous, as you mentioned. The church should be a place of healing for her, not accepting the pastor's actions as him being only human or simply falling into temptation.
May THOS be greatly used by God to get the word out on the damage caused by pastoral abuse as well as being a place of safety, support, and healing for the abused.
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So very well said, MJ. I can relate, exactly.
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Awesome post and thanks for sharing it. How to subscribe on your blog ???
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