Dear Pastor, Are You at Risk?
Are YOU a pastor at risk? Do you know the warning signs? Below are some thought-provoking questions for you to consider:
1. Do you, as a pastor, look forward to a session with a particular counselee more than others? Why?
2. Do you fantasize about a given counselee asking “what if” questions about her availability?
3. Do you meet with a certain counselee at other than regularly scheduled times? In unusual places?
4. Do you end your sessions on time or do you give some counselees more time? Or do you make your appointments “open-ended”? Beginning and ending times, scrupulously adhered to, are highly recommended.
5. Do you share your counseling or visitation schedule with your wife and/or secretary (of course not breaking appropriate confidences)? If others know where you are and when, and why, they can more easily hold you accountable. Accountability is ALWAYS a good thing.
Please contact us, we can help you.
Categories: Pastoral Sexual Abuse
Tags: pastor at risk pastoral sexual abuse clergy sexual abuse pastoral misconduct
Reading this post reminded me of my experience with my pastor/counselor. My pastor began counseling me sometimes spending 3 hours with me. Often times, he called me in to 'talk about worship team songs' only to have him ask questions about my personal life. I had a wall up, didn't trust anyone, didn't want to talk to anyone, and got a pain in my stomach when I did, all of which he knew. He once had the church secretary call me saying, "Pastor wants you to come in for an appointment and he's not taking no for an answer." I began feeling special due to his promptings and attention given to me. He commented on taking the wall down that I had up. He also asked the 'what if' question you mentioned in this post. Three years before our relationship became physical he said during an appointment, "If I wasn't married to L, and you weren't married to M, it would be something I'd pursue. Does that make you nervous?" I had feelings for him at that point and said, "No, because I feel the same way." If we weren't married, he'd be someone I would like to be with. Then he said, "But you're committed to M, right?" I said, "Yes, totally committed." (That commitment lessened as T and I grew closer and he began pursuing me more and treating me more and more special until it grew into a physical relationship) I didn't realize the extent of this question until recently, as I thought back on how much he pursued me. I was naive, trusting, and honest. He was intentional, manipulative, and deceiving. He was checking to see if I was available. Unfortunately, I didn’t see this as a red flag, but as being special because he said so, so I believed. Because T did not listen to the wisdom offered to pastors in keeping boundaries between himself and those under his care, he hurt deeply, an already wounded sheep as well as my family, his family, the Body of Christ, and God.
Knowing and experiencing the pain of pastoral abuse, I strongly caution pastors to read the information on this site and heed it! There are many women looking for love and to feel special. Women are attracted to leaders who appear to be caring, kind, sensitive, compassionate men. It is because they are wounded; they are NOT seducing you. Even if the rare occasion arises and you are seduced, it is your responsibility as a shepherd to protect your flock, keeping healthy, appropriate boundaries between yourself and your sheep. God will deal harshly with you if you wound a sheep you are called to shepherd. Please don’t take your responsibility lightly; if only my pastor realized his responsibility....
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