In Their Own Words: Should I Tell?
Every sexual abuse victim must eventually face the choice—to tell,or not. For the pastoral abuse victim there will most likely be enormous repercussions once their secret is revealed. The following question submitted to The Hope of Survivors sheds light on this agonizing internal conflict:
I'm scared to come forward with what happened to me. Can't I just keep quiet?
Samantha Nelson responds:
It is important to tell, especially if this pastor is still preaching. God will cleanse His church before Jesus returns and this is part of the cleansing process. God is not pleased with this man for what he has done. Look at what happened to your life all these years...you can never regain those years. Think of the possibilities...the things God could have done in and through you, had this not happened.
Why should you come forward? Because if the women my pastor had abused prior to me had come forward, I might not have been abused by him. If the women your pastor has abused prior to you (yes, I believe there are others) had come forward, you might not have been abused.
You are not destroying his life, career (by the way, being a pastor is a calling from God, not a career, although many enter into it without being called), family, church, etc., by disclosing his sin. If anything is destroyed, it is because of his sin...his OWN actions. You did not do this to him, he did this to you. You are not responsible for his actions, he is.
Pray about it and allow the Lord to lead you. As Christians, we have a moral responsibility to check sin, no matter where it lies, especially when it is of such a nature. God is not pleased with this pastor’s actions at all.
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Categories: Questions and Answers
Tags: pastoral sexual abuse clergy sexual abuse clergry sexual misconductspiritual abuse
To tell or not to tell is an agonizing decision due to the unknown consequences that will follow. In my situation, my pastor’s wife discovered our ‘affair’ and she was willing to keep it a secret in order to protect her husband, their children, and the church. My wanting to keep it a secret was to protect myself (the shame), my children, and the church. My husband wanted to keep it a secret to protect me because I asked him not to tell the church elders. My husband and I were in shock mode. We were facing the damage done to our relationship as well as the betrayal by our pastor. Several things changed our minds that caused us to go public. First, we were hearing how T (pastor) and L (his wife) were continuing in ministry as if nothing happened while we left the church. They continued to teach, preach, counsel, and minister while we were in so much pain we had to leave as well as step down from all ministries (worship team, leading small groups). We couldn’t understand how they were able to continue keeping this a secret as if nothing happened. No one knew why we left the church; no one knew why my husband stepped down from leading the worship team. We heard people comment on how T was going to preach on the importance of family; we heard about people on the worship team rallying to help T because my husband left without much notice; we heard how happy T and L were while we were hurting, deeply. That was the beginning of our discussion on going to the elders. The final decision to go public came as a result of God’s word and His desire for confession, repentance, forgiveness, and restoration. My husband brought this to my attention along with the accountability the pastor has to the elders and to the church body. Therefore, when my husband (a former elder) recognized these truths, he sent T an email telling him of his pastoral responsibility; that he needed to take this to the elders or my husband would. That is the beginning in how our situation became public.
God wants honesty while leaving the consequences in His hands. I had no idea what my children, my family, my friends, or members of the church would think or feel about me. I didn’t know how they would treat me. All I knew was God wanted the truth and I trusted Him with the consequences. While it was very painful revealing what happened, I was able to confess, repent, seek forgiveness, and begin to be restored. God has blessed me beyond imagination in obeying Him in being honest. He wants us to trust Him with the consequences, no matter how hard they may be. He promises to take care of His children when we obey Him.
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