A Healing Friend
Relationships are a common casualty of pastoral sexual abuse. As a survivor myself, I’ve experienced the painful loss of many friendships, but have also gained a deep appreciation for those who’ve remained—even when things were rough.
The following poem was written by the friend of a survivor:
To Trust Anew
God knew your heart was to come to Him,
You were sick and tired of a life so grim.
You found a church, where you thought love did flow,
A haven of safety—a place to grow.
A place where you expected they’d take care of your heart
Not a place to be taken for granted or ripped apart
A place to be respected, no matter where you’ve been
A place to be loved and not treated mean.
You placed your trust in one ordained for His work
Not thinking he would be capable of such deep hurt.
You thought it was placed in one looking out for your best,
But it became trust betrayed, creating a mess.
By the time it became evident—his intentions for you—
You’d been groomed and left not knowing what to do.
“Could this be happening? Is it just a bad dream?
This haven of safety is not what it seemed.”
When you reached out to others they did not understand,
“You’re mistaken, you’ve misunderstood him—He’s a Godly man.”
They saw the public side of him, without any big flaws,
Not the side you saw—displayed only behind closed doors.
Now that you want to be heard, for the truth to be known,
Many different colours of the church folk are shown.
Some have blamed, belittled, scapegoated and worse,
Treated you as if diseased, or have some sort of a curse.
God knows your heart—this was not out of hate,
It was done to protect others from a similar fate.
Not done with malice but with a cry from the heart—
The price you have paid has torn you apart.
A single mum, with three teens in tow,
You thought you had found a spiritual home,
A best friend in the wife—a man old enough to be your dad,
What went so wrong? How did things get so bad?
When a heart seeks to fill, from its own broken well
Many lives are affected and living becomes hell,
The haven of safety hence received a huge blow,
The wounds run deep ‘n healing will be slow.
God has the power to replace what you’ve lost
He is in the business of wearing the cost
He wants to give His strength to you,
To help you, to heal you to trust anew.
Reach out to Him—He’s always been there,
Reach out to Him—He really does care.
The original poem was published here.
Categories: Pastoral Sexual Abuse
Tags: pastoral sex abuse pastorial sexual abuse clergy sexual misconduct spiritual abuse
My heart breaks reading this poem over the many women who were used by someone they trusted and are blamed afterward. There is nothing worse to me, than someone who takes advantage of the weak and vulnerable. My experience with pastoral abuse has revealed my true friends, those who see the imbalance in power, my vulnerability, and stood by my side through the horrible aftermath. The friends I no longer have, I chose to give up, choosing not to be friends with anyone who thinks the man who betrayed me, my husband, my children, and the church should still be a pastor and believe the church was wrong in having him step down. My true friends know the truth, know God's word, know me and have supported me.
If you have been abused by a man in a position of authority, the people who support the abuser are not your friends and my prayer is that God provides real and true friends for you. Also, realize that Jesus is the Best Friend you will ever have and although it is great to have loving and supportive friends, no one will heal our broken hearts except God! THOS has been reminding me of this truth and is causing me to dig into God's word much more, asking Him to heal the brokenness caused by the deepest betrayal ever experienced. Nothing is too big for our God!
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I have reached a place "to trust anew". And my prayer for others who find themselves unable to forgive themselves for allowing this to happen to them is to do as God has done for you - He has forgiven you as you have asked, so now you have to ACCEPT His forgiveness and allow yourself to bathe in His Grace. After hiding my secret for 22 years, I have now reached a place where I have "finally" accepted God's Grace and forgiven myself. I have been invited by the Pastor of a sister church to attend and worship with his congregation. The Lord had placed this Pastor and his wife in my life some 20 years ago in the church where my abuse started. He himself had suffered the insolence of my abuser and knew what an evil man he was, he was obviously aware of the rumours that were going around about the pastor and me all those years ago, then the rumours of the second woman with the baby, and the rumours in the Minister's meetings of the current "girlfriend".
This simple act of kindness to invite me into his congregation was sufficient to make me realise that not everyone believes that I was the "perpetrator". Further to this, I believe that those who are so blinded by the abuser's charm, and more prepared to believe the liar than the truth, are sadly lacking in one of the Spiritual Gifts - the gift of discernment. These poor folk need our prayers, for they will be the ones who will be easily deceived by the master deceiver.
Our only hope is to seek an environment where we are understood, and to do that perhaps it may be necessary to give a guide to women who are looking for a safe haven to worship.
With the nature of these abusers, they are apt to repeat their behaviour. Why are we not able to name and shame, so that at least we have the forum to warn congregations where these abusers prowl?
I am happy to announce that I have requested a new baptism, as it was my abuser who first baptised me, and what's more he made the decision for me. This time, I am longing to be baptised, to make it right with God, no longer am I living a lie as a Christian.
This time it will all be for the right reasons.
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Thanks for your encouraging words, Judy!
It's great to hear God making all things new for you and exciting that you will be baptized in the way you should (your choice and by a godly man).
God made many things new in my life and continues to do so. However, an area I struggle is connecting to a church. I found a place that knows about my past 'affair' with a pastor and continues to love, support, and encourage me. Yet I can't be in a service without feeling bad and can't hold back from crying. I'm not sure if this is part of the healing process. I was on a worship team with my husband, led several small bible studies, ministered in the church for over 20 years and the desire to get involved again is gone. I believe the shame is gone, that overwhelming feeling of being worthless. However, I still feel bad when I consider my part in betraying my husband, children, friends, and ultimately, God. Although God made many things new in my life, connecting to a local Body hasn't taken place, yet.
Have you found areas in your life that God has yet to make new?
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MJ,
I completely understand what you're saying about finding it extremely difficult to make a current connection to Church. The irony of the fact that the place where so many others find refuge, comfort, and safety, is for you associated with your greatest pain ( as it was for me) is a monumental struggle to overcome.
Take time and be gentle with yourself. I've really noticed that in every group of people, there are those (at times just one or two) who are very healing and safe people. Making a connection with one of them can help strengthen you as you continue to attempt to overcome. And be determined! Don't let anyone, your former Pastor or others who've wounded you included, take away your ability to go to Church and be a vital part of the body of Christ. It could very well be that someone is looking for YOU there.
I intend to explore this issue further in future blog posts--stay tuned!
Annette
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Thank you Annette. I look forward to future posts on this issue. Connecting to a local Body of Christ is the most difficult area for me to overcome. My marriage is better than ever. My relationship with my children is better than ever. God gave me a job that is the best one I've ever had. My mind is better than ever, having no obsessions, fear, anxiety, or anger. God's joy in me is greater than its ever been. God has done so much, it is overwhelming and my heart is filled with thanks to Him! Yet as you said, a church should be a safe and secure place where the wounded can heal. That safety, security, and healing place was ripped away from me and my family and my husband and my husband and I would be content if we never attended church again. We know God wants us to be in a part of the local body but maybe it's still too fresh. I also want to consider my husband's feelings here more than my own because the betrayal he experienced is greater than mine in that he didn't have a choice in my decision and his pastor stole something of great value from him. Therefore, connecting to a church is the hardest obstacle we are currently facing. I am really looking forward to future posts! Thank you!
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Dear MJ,
You and your husband have just as much a right to worship God in His house. First of all I would suggest that you come to terms with the fact that you DID NOT have an affair with the pastor. The ordained man has even more responsiblity that the church members to keep a wholesome relationship with his congregants. He took advantage of you (and your husband and children). He was the one with the greater burden to be a representative of God and keep true to his ordination. It is his downfall and NOT yours, and if I am not wrong he spent a long time "grooming" you for his needs.
You must strive to keep God's Grace in mind, and to be thankful to Him for your improved relationship with your husband and children.
In short, forget the rest, God has already shown you those who accept you as one of God's hurting children. You are going to church to worship God - and if the rest are going to sit and judge, then they are in desperate need of God's Grace. Take Our Heavenly Father as that extra person in your family - you may even want to emphasise this by adding a setting at the table to remind you all that God is with you every moment of the day.
You have been targeted by a sinful, evil man! but you are now out of his clutches and enjoying the love of God. And as for tears - even Jesus wept. . . so as long as they are not dragging you into depression - there is nothing wrong with tears - after all God created us with tear ducts!
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Thank you Judy, I am recently realizing the abuse that took place. It's hard for me because he groomed me so well, to the point of me believing it was equal in responsibility. He apologized to my husband by saying, "I'm sorry for the pain me and MJ caused you." That angered my husband quite a bit. My husband is the one who began telling me I was targeted, manipulated, used, and abused. I have to take some responsibility because I chose to sin. Yet a shepherd should never hurt a wounded sheep. I see the abuse but still struggle with it not being adultery or an affair.
Regarding church, we'll get there. God has never let us down before, it's just very difficult connecting for the reasons stated in my first post. Thank you for the encouragement!
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dear MJ,
I DO understand the struggle you have had, and continue to have with seeing yourself as an adulterer, mistress, and every other label you can manage to whack on your back. I struggled for 15 years with this very same problem... I had prayed to God for forgiveness, but never accepted His Grace - I had not forgiven myself. But in actual fact, if you knew what this man was all about from the getgo - you would have run for your life and never looked back. You are the victim, the abused, the target, and you no doubt are blamed for his downfall - but being ordained by the church to do God's work (and will), the responsibility rests with him. Your husband is so very right that you were manipulated, I wouldn't think any less of your husband if he whacked this clown in the snout.
Try to be as kind to yourself as God is. I hope you all find a place to worship where you are nurtured and unconditionally loved. We are fortunate here (Australia) there are several churches and fellowships not too far with a car. There is something special waiting for you - in God's time.
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Judy, I am still working through feelings of responsibility in this. I walked up to a car when I was 10 and was kidnapped and sexual abused even though I knew the man was evil, knowing he was lying to me and trying to get me into the car. I hope I would've run had I known what my pastor was doing. Part of working through this is forgiving myself for being so trusting and naive, again. Being used and abused by my pastor is much worse than being used and abused by a stranger because I totally trusted him (naive) and believed he would never hurt me (naive). I will continue working on forgiving myself and accepting God's grace, fully.
My husband wanted to hurt our pastor and was very close to walking up to the pulpit while he was smiling and preaching, knowing my husband knew about what he did. My husband held back from physically harming our pastor because he believed if he hurt him, we'd be paying chiropractor bills for the rest of our lives. He also knew it wouldn't be good for our family and God wouldn't want him to react that way. One of the best things that came from this experience is how wide my eyes were opened to the incredible man I am married to, an amazing man of godly character!
Thank you for reminding me of God's forgiveness and grace and the truth that God has something special for us, thank you!
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