In Their Own Words: The Struggle of Survivors
The following question was submitted to The Hope of Survivors by a victim of pastoral sexual abuse:
"I don’t know why I got involved with the pastor. What is wrong with me that I would fall for him?"
Samantha Nelson responds:
"I want you to know that you’re not crazy and there’s nothing wrong with you.
Pastoral sexual abuse happens to all kinds of women, and many of them are highly intelligent, skilled, professionals. What you need to understand is that this abuse doesn’t happen because of an intelligence factor (or lack thereof). It (the abuse) is orchestrated on an emotional level. Intellectually, you would not have been vulnerable to this pastor’s advances. Emotionally, something led you to be vulnerable.
You said you haven’t been abused before. What other things in your life could have made you vulnerable (illness, troubled marriage, death in the family, high stress, financial problems, etc.)? Other things that make people easy prey are being people-pleasers, always trying to help others, never wanting anyone to be upset with them, etc.
You may find it helpful, as do others, to think of it in this way. If this pastor had been the electrician, the garbage man, the UPS driver...you would never have become involved with him. True? It was because of his role as the pastor, his spiritual authority over you, that you were led astray."
More questions and answers can be found here .
Categories: Questions and Answers
Tags: pastoral sexual abuse clergy misconduct affair
Thank you for this reminder! I struggle often in feeling something is wrong with me, feeling odd, in a bad way. It is a constant reminder that I was used, I was vulnerable, I trusted a man who was supposed to protect me, I wanted his approval. And you are so right. I would NEVER fallen for this man if he wasn't in this pastoral role, a fatherly figure, wanting his approval. And let me tell you, he made me feel more special than anyone ever in my life, up to that point. He bought me gifts, wrote poetry, knew my favorite things, really acting as if he cared about me. Yet in my mind, I thought, "If you really loved me, you would never pressure me to have this relationship with you. You would've told me you had feelings for me, but because you care about me, you will not pursue a physical relationship." He never loved me. I am thankful to God, everyday, that he is out of my life, having no more control over me, having no man I want approval from. But the betrayal from my pastor is the greatest pain ever experienced and although much healing has taken place, there is more. And I constantly remind myself, there is nothing wrong with me, in a negative way. I was vulnerable, needy, and wanted to be cared for. That is not wrong. Him taking advantage of my vulnerability is wrong.
Thanks again for the reminder that it isn't about intelligence, but emotion.
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I read your comment with a lump in my throat and an awful discomfort in my chest - it was as if I had written those words myself... I have such empathy with you, it took me 22 years to treat him with the same disrespect he gave me... and that became his downfall.
It is a hard climb back to the value that God places on each and every one of us, so claim your right as a child of God - he knows the circumstances and He will heal your heart.
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The most difficult part for me is being taken advantage of by a so-called man of God, knowing I was kidnapped and sexually abused as a child. Trusting again seemed almost impossible. He worked so hard to get me to trust him which I did 100%. Obviously, that was naive as no one should be trusted 100%, except God. But I did and he knew it. Taking advantage of a broken woman seeking help is wrong on so many levels that climbing back to the value God places on us is very hard, but not impossible. I wouldn't be alive today if it weren't for my relationship with Jesus! Again, I am extremely thankful for this site and the encouragement to really seek God, for He alone will help me climb out of the valley. "With my God, I can scale a wall."
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