It's Not an Affair, It's Abuse
“A sexually abusive pastor can easily exploit his authority by telling the
woman that their “sexual relationship” is part of a divinely ordained plan.”—A
quote from Sex in the Forbidden Zone by Peter
Rutter, M.D.
[The following excerpt is from a compelling essay about pastoral sexual abuse, written by Sandra Gates. To read the essay in its entirety, click here.]
Imagine a woman, after years of abuse (sexual, emotional, physical a
nd substance), who thinks that she has finally found true love. This love was
found at a church, with a Pastor who seemed to understand and love her
unconditionally. This Pastor and the congregants of this church became a safe
haven where this woman felt she could place all of her love, hope and trust.
With each passing day, she grows more dependent on her pastor. He encouraged her and accepted her in a way that no one else ever had (according to him). He encouraged her to come to him for counseling, and that he would be there for her any time she needed him. Finally she succumbs to his suggestions, starts counseling sessions, and eventually trusts him enough to tell him her darkest secrets.
Eventually the counseling sessions began to take a turn in a different direction, the pastor began to tell her that she is someone who was very special to him and that he had never felt this way about anyone before. He even goes as far as to tell her that he has fallen in love with her and that he would never do anything to hurt her.
Imagine how confusing this must have been. Inwardly she questions the morality of his statements, yet she’s fearful of hurting his feelings. This is not an ordinary man, he is a pastor. He is a man that she has learned to look up to, someone she has grown to trust, and to love. Someone she believed would never hurt her or do anything wrong. He is directly under God! This is a man that God has chosen to be a shepherd to His people, this man would never hurt God’s people or lead them in the wrong direction; God wouldn’t let him because he is a “Man of God!”
She questioned the pastor whether it was morally right to fall in love with each other and he assures her that it was all a part of God’s divine plan. “God knew that we would be together, this is why we crossed paths, its God’s will.” She wonders if something like this could possibly be right in the sight of God. He continues to assure her that God had sent her to that church just for them to be together. “He knew that we would be together, it’s part of His divine will,” was what he would tell her.
Photo courtesy of Graur Codrin
Categories: Pastoral Sexual Abuse
Tags: pastoral sexual abuse clergy misconduct spiritual abuse Sandra Gates
It has taken me more than 15 years to come to grips with the idea that I was a victim. He learned all my flaws and weaknesses during counselling and used them against me.... Now he has laid the blame at my feet for the bust up of our church fellowship and I refuse to take the blame. It was his temper tantrums that have now busted up 4 churches. Why doesn't the Conference take action against him - why have they hung me out to dry?? Oh sure, he is no longer an ordained man, he spat the dummy on that too... but I am not (I REPEAT . . .NOT) his only victim... there is a younger woman with his child and another who is still under his control.
I feel at peace within myself now that I no longer have to lie to keep the secret. I feel stronger now, but I have built a huge wall between myself and others to prevent being hurt again... and, I have left my church.
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Judy,
I'm glad you found this blog, and have added your voice to it.
It must be terrifying for a church congregation to face the reality that they've been terribly misled by a man of God. Many stories, similar to yours, show that it's easier to blame the victim than to face the truth.
I'm sorry for what you've been through; for your pain, for the loss of those you've fellowshipped with, and for the fact that you no longer attend church. All of which I understand.
I know one thing, Jesus did not do these things to you. And the character of Jesus is not represented in the harm you've experienced at the hands of men.
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It is refreshing and encouraging to have this site for support and hearing the truth of pastoral affairs, speaking out against such men as not simply being 'just a man' but being an abuse of authority. It is still taking time for me to see the manipulation that occurred over a period of 6 years. It's very difficult believing that the man I thought God was going to use to help me, instead pursued, used, and abused me. The stories I'm reading are all too similar. I felt special, different, loved more than ever, and was told all that by a so-called man of god. My counselor, who knew my weaknesses and vulnerabilities used them for his satisfaction. Along with everyone else in this situation, I didn't want to hurt him and wanted his approval desperately, which he knew. Also, I wasn't physically attracted to him, ever. It was an emotional connection with a father figure and would never have had feelings for him had he not been in a leadership position. Hearing people say, "He is only human" disturbs me. Saying, "He simply fell" is disturbing. He manipulated, lied, deceived, and turned on me when it became public by telling people (my friends) that I came on to him and had other affairs. Both are lies. It wasn't until after I was out from under his controlling influence that I began to see the way he pursued, used, and abused me. My husband played a huge role in helping me see a pastor is meant to protect his flock, giving up his desires. Even if I had feelings for him (which he caused to develop in me); even if I threw myself at him (which I didn't), he had no right to pursue me and lead me into sin. I take responsibility for my part, but it is not equal. Because the relationship wasn't equal, the responsibility wasn't equal.
Again, I am so thankful for this site, to hear the truth of pastoral abuse and to know there is hope because God is on our side and He is our Ultimate Healer! We will overcome, in Jesus!
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You've been through a lot, and for a very long time. Peeling back the layers of all that has happened is a very painful process, especially once it's all cast in the light of the truth. What once seemed like love and care, is exposed for the exploitation and betrayal it is.
Just remember you're not alone--too many survivors understand exactly what you describe here. There is nothing in the darkness, that won't be exposed by the light, eventually. The Lord knows every tear you've cried, and He is near to the brokenhearted.
Warm friendship,
Annette
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Thank you Annette, for your encouragement! THOS has been very helpful and God is using it for continued healing. I have someone I can contact via email when needed and have access to a lot of information through the articles, blogs, and information on this site. The greatest thing I am learning and constantly reminded of is that no man can heal my heart, only God can. The support I have is astounding, yet there is still great pain. Through a THOS counselor and other comments I've read, I realize no amount of counseling and no amount of support from friends and family can heal the pain from the betrayal I experienced. Yet, hope remains, because God is the Healer of the broken hearted and I am seeking Him much more as a result of finding THOS! Thank you!!!!
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